1) Washing My Hands. I also made some hand sanitizer. My cuticles are shit now, but I understand it’s my duty to do this so as not to catch, and then spread, germs. The hand sanitizer is new for me; I never really jumped on that train. And I’m glad because recently, my manager at the temp job I had was ill and everyone kept pushing hand sanitizer at me like it was going to save my life, but I said no thank you, I’ll just wash my hands, that stuff seems like it just pushes the dirt around, and it dries out my cuticles. A few days later my manager came back to work and told me he’d read a study which said that hand sanitizer clogs your pores and gives you cancer. So, I dodged a bullet with that one.
I’m using it sparingly, even now.
2) Not Waxing My Mustache or Trimming My Nose Hairs. A few weeks ago my family had dinner at the home of some old people. While washing my hands in their bathroom (I did this even way back then, when we were all still innocents!) I noticed they had one of those little round mega-mirrors, so I looked into it, which I can not recommend enough that you do NOT do, if ever given the opportunity. What I saw was a very well-grown mustache on my upper lip, and my already-impressively abundant nose hairs, which appeared to have breached their nostril barrier and were creeping down toward the afore-mentioned mustache.
My boyfriend will back me up when I tell you that, much to his chagrin, I am not a vain person. I pay very little attention to body hair or, lately, shape. My hair is graying as it likes, my eyebrows are famously crazy, I can rarely and barely be bothered with makeup. But this, man, this really bothered me. I was horrified and embarrassed. But, when I picked up the phone to make a waxing appointment, I paused: those hairs, I realized, were probably keeping a good deal of airborne germs from getting into my body via my nose. Uuuuugh. *Sigh* Thank you, nose hair, I guess.
3) Taking All Of The Things. Elderberry: capsules, tea, concentrated powder drink; Wellness Formula; Emergen-C; Water Water Water; apple cider vinegar (why not?); Not Sick from Farmacopia, a nightly concoction of lemon, ginger, honey, garlic, cayenne and whiskey, etc etc etc
4) Daily Masturbation. I don’t know about you, but my orgasms feel like the biggest, most wonderful sneezes imaginable. My boyfriend compares my orgasms to the scene in the original Blade Runner when Daryl Hannah’s character is dying; I’d have to say that this is pretty accurate. Now think about it – that is a lot of sneeze-energy expelled in a very short amount of time! My theory: sneezing eliminates toxins from the body (I’m not a medical professional but I think this is the basic point of sneezes, right?), so therefore self-prescribing a daily (or multiple) giant body sneeze(s) is, like, very medically sound advice.
5) Wearing Pants With Huge Holes In The Thigh-Rub Region. I don’t like to shop online if I can avoid it. And for clothes, I usually either get them from swaps or thrift stores. I was planning to host a swap last weekend, but…germs. And thrifting for jeans always feels like a very sad self-punishment which requires lots of time and patience and perhaps mimosas. But, thrift stores also feel like a bit of a wildcard right now, so for the time-being I’m wearing my favorite jeans with the ever-growing holes in them. Take that, fast fashion!
6) Not Going to The Gym. Social distancing!! (Although, see #5) You guys I wouldn’t be doing this, anyway – don’t panic.
7) Being Judgemental. In general I try to love everyone and give my fellow humans the benefit of the doubt. In all my years living in this world – as a middle schooler visiting Chicago for the first time, walking down an unexpected alley in New York or late at night in Oakland after I fell asleep on the bus home from work and went a few stops too far into what people told me was the wrong part of town – never, ever have I crossed the street to feel more safe. I don’t care who is coming toward me: a gaggle of bikers in leather and chains, a tweaker looking at me like he might eat me with his eyeballs, two black dudes with red bandanas sprouting from every pocket, a band of entitled white boys hopped up on their privilege; perhaps the scariest demographic of potential hoodlums of all. But the other day I was out for a walk and half a block ahead was a homeless man leaning against the movie theater wall, coughing. Coughing big and loud and proud out into the open air around him, and without a second thought I spun on my heel and walked back the way I came, crossed the street, walked an extra block out of my way for good measure, and then finally started to breathe again. This was my daily act of self care.
8) Staying Home. Hahahahaha okay, okay, I do this anyway. I have a kid, though, who is sort of active and I’ve been out three evenings this week, volunteering with her at the Food Bank and watching her dance the waltz in a room full of a hundred other kids (the only reason I let her go was because the girls all wear gloves. It’s very sexist and weird and charming and I absolutely love watching the painful awkwardness). From now on, though, I’ve told the kids: NO LEAVING THE HOUSE.
Except for school. And our field trip to Oakland on Saturday…so the museum, and IKEA, and toodling around Rockridge and Temescal and maybe Piedmont so my old boss can see how big my kids are now. Old bosses love that shit. Then the airport to pick up my boyfriend. But tonight, and tomorrow night – no leaving the house. BAM! Nailing this.
If you need any hand sanitizer, I have extra….
*Indoorsy print (which I bought myself for my birthday, yay!) photo taken from the fantastic Amber Share website
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