The latest round of 40 Days of Writing began today. Once I remembered, I thought, again, what is with this timing? A writing challenge that begins shortly before Thanksgiving and ends on Christmas Eve. As in, the busiest time of the year. Although lately, (for years maybe?) it almost doesn’t matter what major holidays or life events fall within those 40 Days – all times are busy, all days are full.
Except now. If I contradict myself a lot during this time, and in this post specifically, it’s because I have no idea what I’m doing. In writing, in life, in my days. So, while history has shown this to be the busiest time of the year, I find myself stuck in one place, in one position – I’d almost call it ‘poised’, but for what, I’m not sure – while hours move backward and forward around me.
I have a lot to write about, I suppose, so I’ll just use this first day’s warm-up post as sort of a brainstorming puddle to draw from later:
I closed my store of 8 years; I don’t have a job; I need a job; All job descriptions make me feel as if I have no employable skills, despite what everyone in my life tells me; A while ago I talked myself into tagging along on an expensive vacation with my boyfriend and his son, which I can’t afford, but which starts at the end of this week and therefore it doesn’t matter anymore whether or not I can afford it; Christmas is coming and I’m already caught up in the parts about it I hate the most, i.e. the ‘oh shit well I guess I have to get something for that person/that person/that person/that person/that person and now I hate Christmas again’; When I sit down to write I feel words deflate out of me into the clouds rather than onto the page; I’ve been dieting for three weeks and my tummy has decided it loves me too much to leave, bikini-based vacation be damned; my kids are really fun right now – my daughter has become obsessed with learning all the lyrics to the newest Rufus Wainwright album, and my son and I have a show we watch together for the first time ever because I have time for things like that now; there is a toilet seat behind me that I need to install today but, for the love of god, our toilet is a disgrace; the Paris attacks broke my heart, too, but I couldn’t bring myself to change my profile picture to the French flag because jesus, there are bombings everywhere, killing so many people, and why are we freaking out about Paris and not the rest of them? But I know that’s an unpopular way to think which is why these days I keep my thoughts to myself more often than not. That’s all I can think of at the moment.
I learned in a Social Media class I took a long time ago that blogs with pictures get more views, so here’s a picture of me, right now, feeling kind of lost but mostly avoiding that toilet seat.
I feel this post sooooooooo much.