Note to Self

August 1st

I met a really hot guy last night. I was so fucking drunk.

Note to Self:

Don’t make super-drunk first impression on hot guys. They will always think you’re kinda sloppy.

Something compelled me to go to my neighbor’s party across the street, even though I was already drunk and feeling sorry for myself. The fact that my self-pity was based on being alone all the time might have had something to do with my decision.

This morning I woke up still drunk and in one of those states of nudity that made me lie very still, assessing all of my potentially violate-able body parts. My mouth didn’t feel puffy from kissing. My vagina felt pretty normal. I determined that the guy I’d met had been a gentleman. Under normal circumstances I would have taken any and all measures to never, ever see him again.  When I looked at my phone to see how much time I had to get ready for work, there was a text from him, sent at 2:34am. It said “hi, my name is Guy.”

I laid in bed and tried to bring back anything at all about our interaction the night before. I remembered his face and decided that I liked him and wanted to see him again. And then I thought, we can never be a couple. When people ask how we met he’d have to say “she was totally wasted at this party” and I’d have to say “I kind of have no idea, I was so fucking drunk when we met.”

August 4th

Guy invited me on a walk.  When he arrived at my apartment, he said “so, do you remember me?” I laughed and said yes, though after some thought I realized it was a completely valid question.

We walked to Whole Foods, the far one.  Guy bought me a can of coconut water. While standing at one intersection I saw my ex-husband make a left turn on his bike, and I watched him pedal toward our house. His house. I didn’t mention this to Guy.

I didn’t know the walk would be so long, and had worn the wrong shoes. We passed by his street and halfway down the block I realized this and asked “wasn’t that your street?” He said it was. I told him he didn’t have to walk me home. We hugged and went our separate ways.

Note to Self:

Find comfortable walking shoes that don’t look stupid. 

August 8th

Guy texted that he was across the street visiting his sister, and did I want to hang out? I told him I was on my way to work, but was going to hit some garage sales first.  I told him he could come along if he wanted to. At the first one I found a lot of things that I wished I had the space for. He found a hiking backpack, in great condition. He borrowed 25 bucks from me to buy it. When I told my friend Mike about this later, he thought this was perhaps the most pathetic thing he’d ever heard of. “Who borrows money from a single mom?” I said “shut up, I offered it. He’s going to pay me back.”

Note to Self:

Stop telling Mike every detail of every interaction with every man. He’ll never like anyone, anyway. Don’t make it easier for him.

August 13th

Guy invited me to go swimming.  I was really excited about this, since it was in a lake. We had to hike there, a lot of uphill walking. About halfway there Guy asked me if I wanted to get dinner afterward, and I realized that we were on an actual date. I was trying really hard not to gasp for air. I’m pretty out of shape.

Note to Self:

Get in Shape.

I hadn’t been sure if we were just becoming friends or if he had a more romantic interest in me. I suddenly felt a little nervous. But the swim was the best I’ve had since moving away from Michigan.

August 19th

Guy and I decided it would be a good idea to have sex. I realize that I’m not exactly a pro at this point in my post-divorce sexual exploration, but I wasn’t expecting Guy to say the following:

“I feel the best way to begin intercourse for the first time – I mean with a new partner – is if the female places the penis into the vagina, as opposed to the male placing the penis into the vagina.” All the while, he was holding his erect, condom-covered penis in one hand while the other propped himself above me so that he could look me in the eye while saying all of this, very seriously. Just when I’d controlled my urge to laugh and was formulating a soft-spoken, respectful, full eye-contact response, he leaned in close to my ear and whispered “that being said, do you mind if I penetrate you?”

August 20th

Note to Self:

Find out how to make sex good.

I told Mike about sex with Guy. I repeated what Guy had said, and told him that it was very slow, and that it had been difficult not to laugh because of how awkward it was. I always laugh at inappropriate times.

He said “don’t worry about it. That was just First Pancake sex.” I asked him to explain. “You always throw out the first pancake, because it’s never done right.”  This made me feel better.

August 24th

Guy took me to see the bioluminescent plankton out at the ocean. When we pulled up and parked I said “I was married on this beach.” He said “hm.”

Note to Self:

Don’t talk about The Marriage on dates.

The night was really dark, and the plankton was glowing blue in the waves. This didn’t impress me much. But we quickly discovered that we could drag our feet in the wet sand to see thousands of tiny blue sparkles. It was like being in a Disney movie. “You’re really good at dates” I told him.

On the drive home he talked about science. He loves science. It was all very detailed and complicated and made me feel incredibly stupid. I fell asleep.

September 4th

Guy and I were laying around, talking. At one point he said “that was annoying, right?” to which I said “no.” He said “are you sure?” “Yes.” “You’d tell me if it was annoying, right?” “Yes.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “You’d tell me?” “Yes.” “Okay because I’d want you to tell me.” “I would. Like right now? What you’re doing by asking me over and over again if what you did was annoying? That’s annoying. And see? I told you. So yes, I’d tell you.” He thought that was funny. “Okay, good” he said.

September 9th

Guy invited me out for breakfast. While I was getting ready, I got a text from my old neighbor-with-benefits. I thought about it, then texted back that Sorry, I wasn’t available for booty calls anymore, I was seeing someone.  I felt very mature for making the right decision. Especially when mentally comparing sex between the two. He said he was happy for me, wished me luck, then asked if I’d at least send him a picture of my boob. It was raining lightly when I left my apartment.

Note to Self:

Always leave door to Booty Calls slightly ajar

September 14th

Guy took me to Orr Hot Springs for the weekend. He was very concerned about me relaxing. I thought this was just in general, but his concern over my orgasm soon became clear. He thought it was difficult for me because of stress. I’m finding this to be a common concern among men.

He baked pot cookies in the community kitchen while I read on the lawn and drank a beer. I was very comfortable in the tubs and pool. Being naked isn’t a big deal when everyone around you is naked, too. Some look better, many don’t. Soon it doesn’t matter.

I think his stress and hard work over my orgasm made it ten thousand times more difficult to have one.

Note to Self:

Practice Orgasm.

October 1st

My friend Ben and I went to see some music downtown, and then watched a movie. He asked about Guy. I told him about the things that had come up so far, but said that overall it was really good. He stayed later than planned. After he left I checked my email. There was one from Guy. We’d had a mild disagreement that morning before work. He’d written: We have incompatible personalities for the relationship that I am seeking. Your friend, Guy.

Note to Self:

Regardless of how a relationship seems to be going, always keep fresh batteries in the vibrator.


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